crazy talk 2

just to add on... cuz i forgot!

when my dad ask'd me about my cigs....he already knew the answer, but wanted to hear it from my face. thats fine! then he started assuming that i did other drugs!!! then he puts in a little blub... "i don't even wanna know what you were doing till 5 in the morning!!!"   hahah so now he thinks i'm thinks i'm this slutty pot head!! great!!

anyways...about the ciggs. he finally says to me "you better quit! i will not feed your vices. if you don't quit, you're on your own"  ....so does that mean.... i get kicked out? or i get disowned? or he just stops giving me a fucking allowance?! cuz either way...I'M FINE WITH ALL THREE!!

whatever...so the day went on, and like i said. things got worse! I locked myself in my room for the good part of the day, but around 5 i got hungry, so i had to go downstairs. no breakfast, no lunch...my tummy was mad. i had a snack...chex mix. =\  then since i didn't wanna be there anymore, i walked my dogs, but it was cut short cuz there were other dogs on the trail. When i got back home i tried going back to my room, but my mom yelled at me and made me stay downstairs. She made me help her cook dinner, which was really lame because there wasn't much for me to do. so then she tells me to go in the garage and help my dad out. So i go in, and ask him "DO you need any help?" and he says "no" ...but there was PLENTY of work to be done. he just didn't want my help. So i go back in and tell my mom he said no...and she takes this long pause... like i wonder why he said no then when it finally clicked, she made me doo bitch work in the kitchen.

My dad didn't even wanna be in the same room with me. that's just GREAT! i didn't wanna be anywhere near him either. I didn't eat breakfast with him, i didn't eat lunch with him, i was hoping to NOT eat dinner with any of them....(but my tummy was already rumbling) and i haven't spoke to either of them, except to answer what was asked of me.

I'm scared of them...but i'm not. and the part of me that's not scared, that doesn't care, makes me wanna throw shit around all over the house. Whatever! dinner was horrible. I said nothing. i looked at no one. I kept my head down at my food, but i could feel their eyes on me. It was quiet...it sucked. after dinner, i cleaned up, washed the dishes, put everything away. After that, i TRIED playing piano. I snuck into the room and tried playing my keyboard but 10 mins later, my mom comes in and tells me to go upstairs and finish whatever i'm doing. I waiting another 10 mins...but it still wasn't enough. Went upstairs, and i haven't seen them since.

don't ask me if i'm okay...cuz you know the answer

I tried playing guitar hero 3 tonight cuz my sis bought it for me, but in the middle of my game, my mom calls me (on my cell) from downstairs, telling me to go downstairs and close the windows. (why!!??!? bc you can't fucking walk 20 feet and close them yourself?!?!?!...BITCH!!)  gaaD!

whatever the hell my parents think they're doing to me...for me....IT'S COUNTER PRODUCTIVE!! i wanna shoot something!

crazy talk

here's a little recap

halloween - went out till 12.
thursday - went out till 445am
Friday morning - got in trouble for coming home late
Friday night - went out for Joel till 2am
Saturday morning - parents find ciggs

but everything before that had already been caving in.

You're right to tell me that i'm a bad kid. But you don't even know the half of it. You only see what is shown to you. You only hear what is told to you through my mouth. You only understand the things that you feel are worth understanding. But if you knew who i really was, you'd consider me a dark child with a black heart; the biggest mistake of your life; a disappointment that will put you in your grave - - A grave that i HOPE i beat you to.

You've taught me so many things in life. Among those things, you've taught me to be an excellent liar but most of all, you've taught me how to hide. I've always known what you wanted from me. The skeleton of a Good girl, with Good morals, who's smart, who gets straight A's, who's thin, who's talented, a girl who can get any guy you deem worthy for her, a girl who respects, who puts God and Family in front of everything and everything, a girl who's always loving who never has a reason to be upset, a girl who does anything and everything her parents tell her. This is what you've always wanted from me. But i'm the complete opposite. And i still have you to thank for that. All the times in the past where you'd be yelling at me one min, then all of a sudden your friend calls and you're a completely different person. THAT was where you taught me how to be fake. When you'd run late to a party and someone calls to ask where you are and you say you're almost there, but in fact you're still at home.... THAT was where you taught me how to lie. When we'd go shopping at a store and i'd ask both of you if you could buy something for me, but you’d tell me “we’ll get it for you next time”…THAT was where you taught me to tell people things that they wanted to hear, knowing it was never gonna happen. You’ve trained me well to be so conniving, so deceiving, so fraudulent that you can’t even realize when its being done to you.

If I could blame you for one thing in my life, I’d blame you for loving me too much. Not possible? YES it is! You ask me to quit my job because you want to support me. You ask me to move back home because you know it will save me money. You give me almost everything that I want. But in return, all that’s turned me into was a lazy bum. Because of you, I have nothing to work for. In fact, what do I even have to live for? I don’t have an education, I don’t have a job, all I do is spend your money, and at the same time, I make no one happy. I have nothing in this world that I worked for. Because according to you, I don’t even have an education. I HAVE NOTHING!!!  So why am I still here?! What’s the point of going on? you’d be $500 richer if I wasn’t around. And to YOU, money is everything. You want me to finish school, so I can get a GOOD paying job. Manang get’s offered for 38k starting, and you say “better than nothing!!”  SO YOU SHOULD KEEP ALL YOUR FUCKING MONEY SINCE IT’S SOO GOD DAMN IMPORTANT TO YOU!!!!! You complain about bills, about the house, about the cars, about my dogs, about EVER SINGLE FUCKING THING THAT COSTS MORE THAN A FUCKING PENNY! You complain about me and manang being the disappointments in your life. Just let me kill myself already so the both of you can finally be happy. Because I haven’t been happy in a long time…so I’d be doing myself a favor.

I can’t be “strong” anymore. I’m tired of trying to please you. I don’t want anything in life anymore. I have not passion to live. Everything I’ve wanted has been given to me. My life, my money, my clothes, they’re all gifts. But I don’t want them anymore. I don’t wanna be here anymore. If I live, I rather WANT to live, then be forced to live a lucky life. You talk about how people who suffer in poverty, people who don’t have my opportunities in life, work hard at life and are great in school. The difference between me and them isn’t just the fact that I have MORE than them…. It’s the fact that they have something in life to look forward to. They have this goal set in mind that they want things they haven’t had yet. But me…? I’ve already had, I have plenty. So what more could I want? You’ve never been proud of me. You’ve never been thankful for me. You’ve never even though I was pretty enough for you to talk about. INSTEAD you constantly call me a disappointment. You constantly judge and ridicule me. You make fun of the way I look AT LEAST once a day. You say that everything I do has never been good enough. How am I supposed to be the daughter you want me to be, if you don’t even approve of the daughter I show you?

I'll take the blame for everything you accuse me of. I know i'm not that smart. You're right that i'm stupid because i'm taking longer than ALL my friends to finish school. You're right when you say that i'm lazy; that i don't work hard for anything. You're right to say that i'm disrespectful, that i don't listen. You know me too well. But don't you dare say anything about my friends. YOU are MY parents, you have the right to judge me however the fuck you'd like. But you don’t get to say a word about MY friend because you don't have the slightest clue who they are. You can’t even understand your own daughter – someone’s you’ve raised, someone you see every day – how can you understand someone else who you see a small fraction of the time.

You judge too much. You think you’re so right. You think you’re the law. You think you are the way; that you have no mistakes. Well here it is, one last time: I, ME, YOUR DAUGHTER, YOUR FLESH AND BONES; I am and forever will always be the biggest mistake of your life that WILL send you to an early grave.

What a Fan-Tab-uLous weekend!!

Today isn't a good day

and it's only 10:15 am!

I need to vent



Other than waking up this morning with horrbile back pains and disturbing cramps, i get a wake up phone call from my dad. First thing he says is "when do you have time to talk" ... now i know i'm in trouble.

he goes off lecturing me about a lot of things. but it all boiles down to this one message "you need to be more honest and open with us. If you have a problem, it should be us that you go to first, not your friends"  ...honestly, i don't even go to my friends for a lot of my problems.

i guess for me... when it comes to both family AND friends, i try being open enough to the point where you wouldn't suspect there to be anything else. Remember, a girl has her secretS!! But what would happen if a my secrets were casted out? ...on one hand, if my friends found out, i'd be upset. but on the other hand, if my parents found out, i'd probably kill myself. I would rather die than listen to my parents rip away whatever is left of my self-esteem.

sometimes i think, maybe dying isn't so bad. religious figures always talk about the after life, i wonder what it's really like. ...yeah yeah people here will miss me, but, they'll get over it, and i'll be forgotten.

This last year, i feel like i'm taking a step forward in life just to take 4 steps back. I was closer to my goal when I didn't get into all that drama bullshit last year, than i am now where i thought i've grown and learned from it. I finally got into a university, but i'm doing horrible in school right now. i've moved out of the house, but i'm still dependent on going back home every single weekend. I thought i was learning about "relationships", but instead, i'm just fuckin' with my heart, and i keep getting thrown around.

bottom line is... i'm scared. scared of everything. scared of everyone. trick people into believing your someone, but in reality you're a completely different person. why hide? bc we're scared of what people might think! Why care what they think? Because you care about friends and family, and value their opinion. Thats why we lie, thats why we hide.

something's wrong

...